The Donut of Theology

A summary of approaches to religious interpretation, as applied to donuts:

Today’s Text: “Donuts taste great.”

Legalists: “Don’t start eye-balling all those other pastries. It says ‘donuts’, not bagels, not bear claws, not maple bars. Donuts!”

Liberal theologists: “When it says ‘donuts,’ it’s really talking about health food, but using the desirable pastry to symbolize the fact that we SHOULD be desiring healthy things.”

Evangelicals: “Here, have a donut.”

Preterists: “The donuts were all eaten a long time ago.”

Calvinists: “You don’t get to choose the donut, but the donut MIGHT choose you.”

Charismatics: “The Spirit will guide you to the donut!”

Catholics: “The donut was consumed for your hunger, but it wasn’t completely filling. You still have to pay penance.”

Orthodox: “^ I agree, but I’m not with him.”

Individualist: “I eat my donut alone.”

Home Church: “The mainstream donut company have really strayed from the recipe. We only do homemade donuts.”

Hyper-Charismatic: “That donut will only taste good if you have the gift of tongues. And if you’re not thrashing on the floor on occassion, you’re probably not really digesting it.”

Prosperity Preachers: “One donut isn’t enough! With enough faith, you can speak a whole baker’s dozen into existence!”

Literalists: “Donuts always taste good, no exceptions. If a donut is moldy or made from feces, it will still taste great.”

Non-literalists: “There never was a real donut. It’s just a symbol for eternal life.”

Televengelists: “Give me your donut, and you will be blessed with a baker’s dozen!”

Scholars: “Well, you have to look at the literary style, the surrounding passages, and the historical context, in order to see that, at that time, donuts were often associated with policemen and security guards. So when we’re talking about donuts, what we’re really talking about is security. ‘Security tastes good.'”

Atheists: “There is no donut.”

Agnostics: “There’s no way to know whether or not the donut actually tastes good.”

Buddhists: “We are all part of the eternal donut.”

Mormons: “You think you have the whole donut, but you don’t! There’s more to it, in the form of this recently-revealed donut hole!”

Jehovah’s Witnesses: “That’s not a donut, it’s just a very special bagel. And we don’t celebrate Donut Day.”

Amish: “No frosting, sprinkles, sugar, or flavor.”

Mennonite: “…okay, SOME frosting.”

Universal Unitarians: “You can call it a donut, a steak, a salad, or whatever you want. All food courses lead to the same dessert.”

Westboro: The donut hates you!

 Did I miss a denomination/religion? Add it in the comments below!


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  • Tomm Lemon

    Seventh-day Adventist: Donuts are only for Saturdays.