A summary of approaches to religious interpretation, as applied to donuts:
Today’s Text: “Donuts taste great.”
Legalists: “Don’t start eye-balling all those other pastries. It says ‘donuts’, not bagels, not bear claws, not maple bars. Donuts!”
Liberal theologists: “When it says ‘donuts,’ it’s really talking about health food, but using the desirable pastry to symbolize the fact that we SHOULD be desiring healthy things.”
Evangelicals: “Here, have a donut.”
Preterists: “The donuts were all eaten a long time ago.”
Calvinists: “You don’t get to choose the donut, but the donut MIGHT choose you.”
Charismatics: “The Spirit will guide you to the donut!”
Catholics: “The donut was consumed for your hunger, but it wasn’t completely filling. You still have to pay penance.”
Orthodox: “^ I agree, but I’m not with him.”
Individualist: “I eat my donut alone.”
Home Church: “The mainstream donut company have really strayed from the recipe. We only do homemade donuts.”
Hyper-Charismatic: “That donut will only taste good if you have the gift of tongues. And if you’re not thrashing on the floor on occassion, you’re probably not really digesting it.”
Prosperity Preachers: “One donut isn’t enough! With enough faith, you can speak a whole baker’s dozen into existence!”
Literalists: “Donuts always taste good, no exceptions. If a donut is moldy or made from feces, it will still taste great.”
Non-literalists: “There never was a real donut. It’s just a symbol for eternal life.”
Televengelists: “Give me your donut, and you will be blessed with a baker’s dozen!”
Scholars: “Well, you have to look at the literary style, the surrounding passages, and the historical context, in order to see that, at that time, donuts were often associated with policemen and security guards. So when we’re talking about donuts, what we’re really talking about is security. ‘Security tastes good.'”
Atheists: “There is no donut.”
Agnostics: “There’s no way to know whether or not the donut actually tastes good.”
Buddhists: “We are all part of the eternal donut.”
Mormons: “You think you have the whole donut, but you don’t! There’s more to it, in the form of this recently-revealed donut hole!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses: “That’s not a donut, it’s just a very special bagel. And we don’t celebrate Donut Day.”
Amish: “No frosting, sprinkles, sugar, or flavor.”
Mennonite: “…okay, SOME frosting.”
Universal Unitarians: “You can call it a donut, a steak, a salad, or whatever you want. All food courses lead to the same dessert.”
Westboro: The donut hates you!
Did I miss a denomination/religion? Add it in the comments below!
Join the conversation!
Did you spot a Facebook faux pas that deserves a citation? Do you have a story to share that makes fun of pop culture? There are so many ways to participate in the show, it's just ridiculous:
• Email us at email@example.com (feel free to send us an audio file)
• Leave us a voicemail
• Comment on the show notes below
• Join us LIVE every Tuesday at 8:30pm Pacific
Show us some love!
Enjoy our show? Here are some awesome ways you can help us out:
• Subscribe and leave us a review on the iTunes Store
• Follow us on Facebook and Twitter
• Spread the word!
Sponsor a show!
Producing a high-quality podcast like ours ain't easy; we have to pay for the web server, for software, for the equipment, and much more. The good news is, you can support us financially AND get a little something for yourself, as well:
• Use our Amazon affiliate link and buy yourself a little gift!
• Support us on Patreon!
• Buy us something from our podcasting wish list on Amazon!
• Buy me a coffee via PayPal!
More from Breakroom Studios:
Conversations with the most creative people of Patreon.
The Bible News Network
A comedy webseries that answers the question: "What if there was a TV News Network during the events of the Bible?"
The Truth About Special Needs
A podcast for and about special needs families.
Hank and Hal
A scripted comedy podcast feature the antics of two office co-workers and their boss, Mr. Spunkmeyer.